Very. Feeling grateful and frustrated at the same time is not a contradiction. It is one of the most commonly reported experiences among people living with an ICD, and it deserves to be acknowledged rather than dismissed.
Many people distinguish between wishing they had not got the device and wishing they had never needed it. Those are two very different things. Others find the psychological adjustment takes time, particularly if the device was implanted following a sudden and traumatic cardiac event, or if it was fitted as a precaution without a clear triggering incident.
If you are struggling emotionally with your device or your diagnosis, speaking to your cardiac nurse specialist or GP is a good first step. Peer support can also be valuable. The SCA UK community connects people at every stage of life with a cardiac condition, and hearing from others who have been through the same adjustment can make a significant difference.